1. All racists who are prepared to die for their country, why not now?
  2. Booze is the answer. I don't remember the question
  3. Superman is a travestite
  4. Do they have reserved parking for non-handicap people at the Special Olympics?
  5. Lower the age of puberty!
  6. God bless Atheism
  7. I drink to make other people interesting
  8. My life is like a porno-movie, without the sex
  9. An unfortunate person is one tries to fart but shits instead
  10. I invented the cordless extension cord
  11. I can't come tonight, my tires got dizzy…
  12. Can I get your picture? I collect nature disasters
  13. For all of you who talk about me, thanks for making ME the center of YOUR world!
  14. I'm cool, I'm hot….I'm everything you're not
  15. You and the bank own a very lovely home
  16. I would tell ya to go to hell but all dogs go to heaven
  17. I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because I hate plants
  18. Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?
  19. The only reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live
  20. Earth first. We'll screw up the other planets later
  21. Only in America do they buy a double cheese burger, large fries and a DIET COKE
  22. I'm moving to Mars next week, so if you have any boxes…
  23. I'm not smiling at you, I'm trying not to laugh!
  24. 24 hours in a day … 24 beers in a case … coincidence? I think not…
  25. I'm fat, but your ugly. I can diet
  26. English! Who needs that? I'm never going to England!
  27. You may laugh because I'm different but I laugh because you're all the same
  28. If at first you dont succeed skydiving isnt for you
  29. I am on the seafood diet. I see food and I eat it!
  30. I aint guilty, im just not innocent! ;-)
  31. Girls want a lot of things from one guy. Conversely, guys want one thing from a lot of girls
  32. Everyone likes a little ass, but no one likes a smart ass
  33. I like my steak so rare that when you poke it, it still says mooooo
  34. An answer to that nagging question…………… I let the dogs out!
  35. What do an Icebear have after swimming? Snowballs!
  36. You know it's always business doing pleasure with you
  37. If you throw rice at weddings, will asian people throw hotdogs?
  38. I've lost my phone number, can I have yours?
  39. One day, we will look back on this, laugh nervously, and change the subject
  40. When I'm good, I'm really good, but when I'm bad I'm better
  41. What do they call Bush his zipper? The " U.S. Open"
  42. Beer: helping ugly people get laid since 1823
  43. Impotence: Nature's way of saying "no hard feelings"
  44. The pen is mightier than the sword, and considerably easier to write with
  45. You're looking at perfection, and it ain't you!
  46. Do blind eskimos have seeing-eye sled dogs?
  47. If electricty comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
  48. Next time wave all your fingers at me!
  49. When it comes to baldness, it's not about losing more hair, it's about getting more head
  50. The height of laziness is a man is shitting on the beach and waiting for the tide
  51. You're unique, just like everyone else….
  52. Everybody has the right to be stupid but your breaking the rules!
  53. Why do our noses run and our feet smell?
  54. Save a mouse, eat a pussy
  55. Keep Earth clean, it's not Ur-anus
  56. Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow
  57. Make love not war. Condoms are cheaper than guns
  58. Don't do it behind the garden gate love is blind but the neighbours ain't!
  59. When you judge others you dont define them you define yourself.. :-)
  60. The more I learn, the more I forget. So why would I learn?
  61. A miserable person is one who truly enjoys a fart but can't
  62. Anarchists of the world, unite!
  63. Why doesn't the fattest man in the world become a hockey goalie?
  64. Don't be open-minded, your brains might fall out
  65. Flying is simple. You just throw yourself at the ground and miss
  66. On the other hand, you have different fingers
  67. Who laughs last, thinks the slowest
  68. Pizza is a lot like sex. When it's good, it's really good. When it's bad, it's still pretty good
  69. Oh man this is crazy, I hope I didn't brain my damage
  70. Time flies like the wind; fruit flies like bananas
  71. If you dont like my driving, then stay off the sidewalk
  72. I hope life isn't a joke, because I don't get it
  73. That money talks I don't deny… I just heard mine yell: Goodbye!!
  74. Kids in back seats cause accidents, accidents in back seats cause kids
  75. I'm not a follower… I'm a leader with the same idea
  76. This is where Napolean beat his bone-a-part
  77. First law of science: don't spit into the wind
  78. I refuse to join any club that would have me for a member
  79. If corn oil comes from corn, where does baby oil come from?
  80. Be a Minimalist. It's the least you can do
  81. She got her good looks from her father. He's a plastic surgeon
  82. My theory of evolution is that Darwin was adopted
  83. If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
  84. Even hot girls have to fart
  85. I have great faith in fools; self-confidence my friends call it
  86. Do you got with me get lost? I know the way
  87. It was a brave man who ate the first oyster
  88. There are three types of economists. Those who can count, and those who can't
  89. Behind every great woman, is a guy looking at her ass
  90. I never appoligize! I'm sorry, that's just not the way I am
  91. Mobile phones are the only subject on which men boast about who' got the smallest
  92. Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife
  93. An idiot is a 44th floor window washer who steps back to admire his work
  94. Men are like roses, you got to watch out for all the pricks
  95. Behind every successful woman, is a man who is surprised
  96. I don't hate you, I just need someone to take my anger out on
  97. I love deadlines, especially the whooshing sound they make as they go by
  98. Whoever said nothing's impossible never tried to slam a revolving door
  99. Never do anything that you wouldn't want to explain to the paramedics
  100. Ass, Grass, or Gas: everybody's gotta pay
  101. Who's cruel idea was it for the word "lisp" to have a "s" in it?
  102. Why is it that the most unattractive people in this world insist on being nudists?
  103. I'm not a dumb blonde! I'm knot! I'm knot! I'm knot!
  104. I don't know if I'm a player. Ask one of my girlfriends
  105. Virginity is like a bubble… One tiny prick and it's gone
  106. It takes a big man to cry, but it takes a bigger man to laugh at that man
  107. They speak of my drinking but they never consider my thirst
  108. We'd better get outta here, I think I hear one of those silent alarms
  109. I don't like to repeat things, so listen carefully the first six times
  110. If guys had their period, they'd probably brag about the size of our tampons
  111. Fat people are harder to kidnap
  112. If one synchronized swimmer drowns, does that mean they all have to?
  113. Fat Girls are like Mopeds: fun to ride, but you don't want your friends to catch you
  114. If you can't beat them, arrange to have them beaten
  115. I wear the pants in this house. My wife just tells me which pair to wear
  116. We had gay burglars the other night. They broke in and rearranged the furniture
  117. I must confess, I was born at a very early age
  118. I like my coffee like I like my women. In a plastic cup
  119. I used to sell furniture for a living. The trouble was, it was my own .
  120. Marry me and I'll never look at another horse!